breathe deep and dive

Late Night Lady Letter

Dear friend that I’ve had for less than three weeks,
I’m not ready for you to have this letter in real life, sooo tumblr it is. :) Maybe someday, you’ll get to see this one too. Lord knows you’ve already seen the rest of the novels I write on here… not something I typically broadcast for all (or any) of my friends to see, but there’s something different about you.

Thank goodness, you’re not like the others. I can’t put my finger on it, but it’s a good kind of different. I’ve been vulnerable with other friends before, long after gaining their trust and slowly building those relationships, but it’s not like that with you. You knew my life story the second we sat down at Starbucks for the first time and you made fun of my pink coffee. Little did I know at that time about your sliiiiight coffee addiction. ;) But from that first time, I was completely comfortable telling you my story, and you confided in me too. Something about us just clicks, and I don’t understand how that happened so fast.

I’m okay with not understanding. I honestly don’t understand where the heck you came from. I’ve never met anyone like you, and I truly wasn’t looking for anything or anyone in particular when you showed up. We were in college for an entire year together, and all of a sudden you fell into my life during frigging finals week. Better late than never, eh? :) The timing, though, is definitely all of God’s doing. I honestly wasn’t in a good place until a month or so before we started hanging out… and if I would’ve been a hot mess then, maybe we wouldn’t have clicked so quickly - or at all. God is still healing me, but He had to get me to a certain point before He made us cross paths. He sure is a weasel sometimes… a good weasel, but still.

You are absolutely beautiful, and I mean that in every sense of the word. Your smile is contagious and as dumb as it sounds I really just love smiling with you. And that beauty - I think it’s so striking because it doesn’t stop at skin deep. You have such a beautiful heart. I see how selflessly you put others first and serve as God calls us to, and it makes me try to be a less self-centered person in my relationships as well. You love the big man a whole lot, which I admire. But what makes you the most beautiful is that you’re not perfect; you’re broken, just like I am. You don’t let yourself become trapped in that brokenness, though. I see you actively seeking God and His will for your life, even when it sucks and you’re not down with His timing. He is going to do so many amazing things in your life because of the ways that you let Him radiate His strength, peace, and love through you. 

Last night was a really, really great night for me. I just love spending time with you. It also helps that you know all the best spots in the burgh… even if the overlook did give me some crazy bug bites. :P I’m happy that I ended up being stranded and having to sleep over last night. For the last couple of weeks up until it was time to go to bed, I thought I liked you but I wasn’t sure. THAT sure did hit me whenever we were talking in your bed, kinda sorta barely touching, and it just became entirely too overwhelming for me to stop myself from cuddling into you. Talk about some self control… seriously. I was gonna do my hardest to not do that, but I think we both knew that when I gave my “cuddling disclaimer” spiel as the lights went out - and you said that would be totally okay - that it might actually happen.

I didn’t wanna get my hopes up; I’m still guarding myself a little bit because of the situation with your ex. That scares me, because I don’t want a repeat of what happened to me in my last relationship. I’m all about love but I’m now also all about not getting hurt. With that being said, you have no idea how happy I was when you grabbed my arm last night, pulled it over top of you, and then held me. It was hot as hell in your room last night, but we spooned like champs regardless. Part of me was afraid when your alarm went off this morning that you’d act super weird and say the cuddle sesh was a huge mistake, but you hit the snooze and immediately wrapped yourself around me again. The only thing that made me happier than that was seeing how freaking high you jumped when the alarm went off again - hahaha literally the hardest I’ve laughed in a good while.

I’m also happy that we talked last night over today, since I’m always someone that needs clarification. I’m happy that you said last night wasn’t going to be a one time thing. And I’m happy that you said you don’t want to rush into anything too quickly. I’m alllll about just being friends and seeing what happens gradually down the road. My last relationship was spent entirely in the fast lane, and I don’t like who I was during that time. You deserve better than the person I used to be… You deserve SO much more than that. So I’m going to intentionally pace myself to be slow as frigging molasses in order to ensure that things don’t go too fast or result in us accidentally skipping over the best parts in the rush. 

I think you are absolutely and completely wonderful. I appreciate you so much and can’t wait to see what our friendship holds in the future. Thank you more than you will ever know.
Love, B 

Baby Steps

I have so much to be thankful for today. :) This afternoon, I had a “Celebration of Teaching” ceremony with my entire ed. dept. - the crazy, “beyond dysfunctional but somehow completely making sense” family that I have been blessed to share my college years with. Today’s little party commemorated all that we’ve accomplished, and I can’t believe how far each of us has come. Over the years, we laughed, cried, and shared countless insane stories about kids that we never thought could legitimately happen in real life. We reached our breaking point more times than I thought possible. We did the wobble in the middle of a class. We had an interesting bar night with a bunch of cowboys. And somehow, in the blur of all of these memories being strung together, we survived - and even excelled beyond my expectations.

I am blown away by how much time changes things, and how fast it seems to fly by me. I still feel like I’m a freshman, stranded at a daycare in Motown with my senior carpool buddy and his flaming car. Like… literally on fire. And now here I am, sitting here trying to calm my nerves before my first teaching job interview tomorrow.

Since student teaching ended, I’ve done a lot of reflecting… Praise the sweet Lord on high for my newfound free time. I keep trying to figure out how I got to this point - in my academic career, in my faith, in my friendships and other relationships.

Baby steps. That’s a phrase that I was using two weeks ago when I was trying to explain to one of my sixth graders that we would do this to master the tedious long division steps. And it’s the same phrase that applies to me now. These past four years, there wasn’t this huge “awakening” moment that changed everything instantly (with possibly excluding the light bulb that went off the first time I kissed a girl.). Besides that, everything was a gradual transformation. Baby steps.

That’s how I became the teacher I am today, and will continue to grow for years to come - the little lessons learned along the way.

That’s how I went from being terrified of someone knowing about me being gay to openly talking to my dad about it. That in itself still blows my mind… My dad KNOWS. He still loves me. And my sister. And my friends. Actually, these relationships with those that know have grown into being some of the biggest blessings of my life, through their support and treating me just the same as when they didn’t know… except for now, I get to have these awesome conversations in which they ask me things like, “So tell me really… What is it about girls that is so great? Besides being hot?” (Hello, Captain Obvious). Those baby steps - everything from telling my first friend to going through an awful dating experience - have brought me to where I am today. One small step - and sometimes stupidly daring leap - at a time.

And most importantly, those baby steps have somehow managed to bring me miles from where I used to be in my walk with God, even in comparison to a couple of months ago. It hasn’t been an easy journey. Some of those baby steps have hurt more than I thought imaginable. But each one of those “growing pains” has played a part in yielding this faith that I didn’t know was possible. I still have scars. I’m still broken. And I don’t have a lot of things figured out. But God is shining through those cracks and brokenness and has blessed me with a peace that surpasses all understanding. God has taught me so much about the power of prayer… everything from my Guatemala trips, to junior year’s health mysteries, to running to Him as I asked for Him to guard my heart and keep it from hardening after finding out that my (ex)girlfriend had been cheating on me.

I keep looking back on my college and I am blown away by God’s love for me. He has been so faithful in His promises, in never letting go of me, and in generously radiating His strength through my weaknesses. Even though I don’t know what tomorrow’s interview will hold or what the post-grad life in general will look like, I know that God isn’t going to change one bit. He is constant now and forevermore. And because of that, I’ll take another baby step tomorrow and see what happens.

I’ve been finding healing in each day by making a little list of what I’m thankful for. And since this is here, and open, and my journal is packed away… Here’s today’s highlight reel: 

- My housemates. Specifically, Miss Leah breaking into my room today to cry because she had just talked to her kiddos on the phone with her co-op. I’m going to miss these 64 Wayne moments so much… We have such a unique bond that can never be replicated. hahaha these girls have made my senior year one I’ll never forget.
- The lady at the registrar’s office today who gave me my transcripts and always strikes up the best conversations with me and everyone else around her.
- Singing “Soft Kitty” - our go-to ballad - with my ed. girls to our dept. chair. Debbie just about lost her shit because she loves it so much. :)
- Impromptu senior statue poses with my roomies.
- Seeing Naya Rivera in the purple dress from last night’s episode. Holy. Crow.
-  Finding out that I’ll be playing piano at all of my soon-to-be-married roomies’ weddings. Bring on the waterworks. 
- The sky tonight as I drove to VA… I saw the most beautiful sunset in my side mirror as I was driving. The moon was so breathtaking that I almost thought it was fake. And the stars were SO clear and bright. Jesus definitely took the wheel because I should have wrecked 37 times. Thank you, God.
- Having a beautiful place to stay for the weekend, and getting to catching up with a friend. It’s comforting to see how much God is working in the lives of those around me.
- Pandora is playing 57,000 of our Upper Room jams right now, and even the throwback “He is Exalted” by Shane and Shane - a song my dad’s SOS band used to play all the time when I was little.

Again, thank you God. For all of the above and so much more.

I’m being healed through all of these little moments… And learning the importance of constant and complete dependency on God. I can’t keep moving on without Him. Pandora just started playing “I Need Words” by the David Crowder Band… couldn’t be more perfect for this moment if I tried.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OV2P4EE6ERs

Dad Accepts Gay Son With A Love Letter

wow.. this is beautiful. love it SO much. :)

(via loving-brittana)

You and Me, Together.

This Easter break was so much different from the weeklong nap that I was aiming for, to say the least. I’m giving myself this little recap to look back on and attest that, yes, I DID get through this week’s chaos. Healing sucks… and is SUCH a beautiful process. 

I didn’t expect a lot of things to happen this week. I didn’t expect to hang out with my ex on Wednesday, but she asked and I’ve always been a firm believer in never cutting someone out of my life. I didn’t expect her to tell me that she was already dating someone again - the ex-girlfriend before me - and then dodge the “How long have you two been back together?” inquiry.

I know J didn’t expect me to be so genuinely happy and at peace since breaking up with her. Granted, it’s only been three months, but it feels like so much longer. God has done an amazing job of piecing me back together and holding me throughout this semester. He’s brought me to a better place than I’ve ever been before, and in a way, I think that bothered her. She was quiet, though, and kept her thoughts to herself when we were face-to-face.

So I didn’t expect her to be a complete coward and call me the next day with a “big confession” and start apologizing profusely for what she claimed would be news that would “psychologically fuck me up” for life. I didn’t expect her to tell me that she had been cheating on me for the entire last month of our relationship, and I sure as hell didn’t expect her to tell me that she got high and cheated on me while I was gone for a week in Guatemala. 

And I didn’t expect myself to react the way I did.

I was a wreck. I went from numb to rage to sobbing in approximately 37 seconds flat. And kept hitting repeat. I stuck up for myself on the phone and said my piece, and then ran to God and fell flat on my face in front of Him. I didn’t understand why I was so upset, because I don’t love her, but the news still turned me upside down. The whole betrayal aspect of it really got me, because I’m blessed/cursed with the naive belief that everyone in this world is genuinely good, loving, and sincere. I never saw it coming, because I knew that I could never do that to a person.

I spent a solid couple of hours viciously cycling between crying and fury, and during that time had an impromptu bonfire, some drinks with friends, and concluded with a good cry in my sister’s arms (What. A. Saint.). I let myself be broken and wallow in my hurt for a day or so after that. I told myself over and over again that I would never trust again, that my heart would be permanently hardened, that God was breaking me past what I could stand.

And then I prayed like hell.

Something in me clicked. I went from feeling sorry for myself to begging God to fight for me and guard my heart. And it completely and totally worked. :) I am so incredibly thankful. I was overwhelmed with a sense of peace, as He placed scripture in my life at the utmost time to remind me that He is caring for me, to trust in Him, to know that He is always good, and to talk to Him at all times because He’s right there with me.

I clung to His faithful promises and asked over and over again for Him to keep my heart from hardening in the midst of my confusion. And He did so much more than what I asked for. God has been pressing on my heart the last couple of months to pray continuously, be joyful always, and give thanks in all circumstances. After my “wallow days,” I made it even more of a point to thank God for everything He’s blessed me with since learning about the cheating situations. Some of them are huge, while others the little things, but I wanna take a second and appreciate my faves…

Thank you, God, for us hitting that pause/reenter during the “Awake My Soul” song on Easter Sunday. I’ve been in UR withdrawal and I LOVED getting to play in a band again - especially with my dad, brother, and sister. It might be a musician thing, but there’s just something about completely owning the one part of a song that you worked on for so long to get down. It makes my adrenaline rush like none other, and I know beamed like a complete goof when we rocked it on Sunday. It was the best thing ever.

Thank you for the friends and family You’ve given me.. I’m so blessed through them. They shine Your light so beautifully and know exactly what I need to get me through hard times.

Thank you for Midget. She and I were on such a high after church on Sunday and were almost insane with our out-of-control laughter and the typical dancing/singing sister antics. 

Thank you for family food fights.

Thank you that my dad always laughs harder at his own jokes than anyone else in the room ever will. Of course, my entire family and anyone else present is already laughing to the point of tears. He just goes above and beyond - at all times. 

Thank you for my mom taking care of me when I’m sick, and for being such a selfless, beautiful and understanding woman in spite of all my whininess. Please help me to be a better daughter to her and verbalize my appreciation more often.

Thank you for my brother being himself again. I missed the way he used to be. Please help him to stay that way… I don’t wanna watch him get lost again.

THANK YOU FOR GUATEMALA. <3 still in shock that I’m going back. You threw the best surprise into this week and I can’t express how thankful I am that Your plans never cease to amaze me. I will never be able to figure You out - thank goodness.

Thank you for music, that I can sit down and write something that reflects exactly how I’m feeling.

Thank you that I can turn the volume up in my car until the bass is one with my heartbeat, and I can lose myself in that.

Thank you for “Can’t Hold Us” by Macklemore on the radio today. I know that everyone on 79 was thankful for it too, watching me drive back to school as I drummed on any half-suitable surface and tribal danced like a champ.

Thank you for the sky. You know that its beauty will always A. Melt my heart into a puddle or B. Make me the most giddy person on earth. Today, it did both. The 927383 pictures on my phone are pretty solid evidence. 

Thank you for the hard times. I’m learning through each instance that Your peace overcomes anything I’m facing.

Thank you for never letting go.

I’m jamming out to DMB right now, and I know that when he says “You and me together, we can do anything,” Dave most likely isn’t belting out his love for you. But God, I’m hardcore twisting this chorus to apply to us right now. I know that I can do anything through You.

I didn’t think that anyone would ever cheat on me, and if they did, that I’d be permanently scarred and miserable. But You took that pain and transformed it into a conscious dependance on You. I’m okay - more than okay, actually. And that’s all Your doing. I still see the world as a beautiful place filled with beautiful people, because Your beauty is everywhere I look. And even though it’s been less than a week, I already feel as if I’m in a better place than before. I can trust again because I trust in You.

Lord, thank you for meeting my every need. Right now, I need you to just keep refining me, as much as I try to fight it. Please help me to be still and rest in You. And keep on teaching me. Every day, you’re showing me that Your strength and peace allow me to handle so much more than I ever could on my own.

“The two of us together, yeah.” :)